YouTube Poop Wiki


Lord Assef

Full Name Assef Jafar Wiener Shnitzel Koch
Aliases "One Eyed Assef"~By Hassan

"Lord Assef"~By His Soldiers

"Chocolate Pudding"~By The Tattletale Strangler

Background Information
Status Fucking Dead
Alignment Evil
Sexual Orientation Gay
Religion Ratiganism
Physical Description
Species Human
Gender Male
Age 44
Hair Color
Fur Color
Feather Color
Eye Color Green
Height 6 Feet
Breast Size
Power Level
Family Jafar (Father)

Ilse Koch (Mother)

The Tattletale Strangler (Gay-Lover)

The Booty Warrior (Biological Son)

Date Joined

Assef is the main antogonist of The Kite Runner. Assef was an evil gay-rapist and Taliban Boss who hated everyone except himself, and enjoyed having gay sex with Hazaras and Welsh people. During his life he did a lot of terrible stuff like raping Hassan, committing mass murder, trying to conquer the world and other shit. He was one of the most hated people of all time because he was so retarded and failed at everything he ever tried to accomplish.

Early Life

Assef was born in Afghanistan. His parents were Jafar and Ilse Koch, which embarrassed him because he was half-German but thankfully he inherited no German traits at all. Assef was straight at first but turned gay after watching the movie "300." He dumped all 13 of his girlfriends and began testing his new homosexual urges. Assef also liked Hitler even though Hitler hated gay people. He also hated America and everybody else. He raped Hassan when he was 16.

Taliban Career

Assef was thrown in jail after Spiderus invaded Afghanistan, but survived in jail by raping people in the showers. He was unable to control his fetish for having sex with Hazaras and Welsh people so he came up with an evil plan. He also got in a fight with fellow inmate the Tattletale Strangler and shaved off his moustache causing the Strangler to swear revenge. When Tommy Wiseau's American army defeated Spiderus's army, Assef ran off and joined the Taliban. He rose in the ranks and became their leader. He also captured Hassan and his family to torture them for his own amusement.

Insane Basil

One day, Assef learned that a serial killer mouse named Insane Basil was traveling around Afghanistan murdering men, women and children. Assef decided to get revenge on the US for sending Insane Basil so he kidnapped several members of the US government including Sean Spicer, Bill De Blasio, Bernie Sanders and Tim Ryan and brutally fucked their butts without lubricant until Insane Basil showed up to kill Assef. The two fought, and Assef won and strapped Insane Basil to a mouse trap. After several unsuccessful attempts to torture him, Assef left to take a shit and returned to find Insane Basil dead from setting the trap off himself.

Search For The Stones

Assef had gotten bored of raping people so he traveled to the tri-state area and snuck into Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc and stole his Hazara-And-Welsh-People-Genocide-Inator. He then traveled the world searching for all the stones needed to activate it and along the way he made many friends who he raped later. Eventually, after several years he returned to Afghanistan and prepared to activate the machine.

Battle With Team 12

Just as he was about to succeed with the last stone, Amir, Hank Schrader and Ferris Bueller burst in to stop him and rescue Hassan (the other members of the team were mostly either dead or injured by then). Assef revealed his evil plan to the trio, and Hank and Ferris both attempted to stop him but he easily overpowered them in a martial art fight. He ran to activate his machine but Amir and Hassan instead challenged him to a rock off. Assef accepted because the Taliban law says he cannot decline a rock off challenge. Assef won the rock off but the Tattletale Strangler burst in and attacked him. Assef was then beaten and raped by the Strangler. His evil plan was defeated and the Strangler avenged his moustache (and also Hassan).

Life With The Tattletale Strangler

Assef and the Tattletale Strangler entered a homosexual relationship after the latter molested the former. The Strangler eventually got bored of molesting Assef so he divorced him and moved back to America. The Strangler died in a shootout with cops a few months later. Assef had sex with an American woman once just to find out what straight sex felt like and got her pregnant, but dumped her after one night. Assef never met his son. However, it was pretty obvious to everyone that they were related to each other.

Raising a New Army

After breaking up with The Tattletale Strangler, Assef decided he needed an army for the coming "Battle of 153 Armies" to decide who is dominant in the YouTube Poop Universe. Assef decided that his band of 27 Taliban soldiers was too weak to fight, so he fired them all so he could get a new army. Assef started a YouTube channel dedicated to "Intellectually Analyzing" Rick and Morty." He quickly gained a retarded fanbase and he promised to give them szechuan sauce if they fought for him. All the retarded fans immediately accepted and agreed to his declaration.

Battle of 153 Armies

Assef led his massive army of 20,000,000 retarded-Rick and Morty fans onto the field of battle against the other 152 armies. Rick Sanchez himself engaged his own fans in battle and slew hundreds of them. Tamatoa's army was way better equipped and they began massacring the Rick and Morty Fans. Assef soon realized that his army was being annihilated so he abandoned them all and fled the battlefield into the nearby woods. All of his "Rick and Morty Fan"-soldiers were killed because they were too retarded to actually fight in battle.

Attempt to Resurrect Spiderus

With his retarded-army annihilated, Assef fled to the woods and decided that his last chance for victory was to resurrect Spiderus and get him to fight on his behalf. Assef began praying to Satan and and sacrificed a goat to the Dark Lord, in order to open a gate from hell that Spiderus could walk through. However, even Satan was fed up with him at this point so he ignored him.


Steve Irwin followed him into the woods and lunged at Assef. Assef went into Super-Saiyan-Rapist Mode and tried to kill the Crocodile Hunter once and for all. The two fought for several hours in a battle so legendary that the Earth shook and mountains crumbled, and eventually Steve grabbed Assef by the cock and ripped it off. Assef yelled in agony but Steve then bent him over, reached his arm up Assef's ass ripped all his intestines out through his rectum. Finally, Steve Irwin finished him off by grabbing Assef by both ends and ripped what was left of his body apart. He then gathered up all the pieces of Assef's body and through them into the same gate of hell that Assef had opened. This was the end of Assef.


Assef is burning in hell and constantly being molested by Joseph Stalin. He did not pursue the Tattletale Strangler, who is also in hell. He attempted to take up Rock and Roll again as a hobby, but nobody liked his rocking. He occasionally molests other people, including Botticelli, as well. He was also molested by Spiderus twice and Mac once.

Known Rape Victims

Known Kills

  • The Tattletale Strangler's Moustache
  • A bunch of innocent Hazaras
  • A bunch of innocent Welsh People
  • Insane Basil