Spiderus (1943-2003) was a terrifying spider and later Etruscan warlord. He led the his people in the Wiseau Wars. He was killed when Tommy Wiseau shot him in through the balls with one of the Arrows Of Desire.
Spiderus was sired in 1943 after Adolf Hitler and Kristen Bell had sex. To enjure his immortality, Kristen dipped him in the River Stix, but had to hold him by the balls, which left his balls as his only mortal part. Throughout his life, Spiderus would infamously castrate his enemies and either eat their balls or keep them in jars in his office. He lost his father to suicide in 1945, and his mother abandoned him. He was found by Trojan Soldiers who raised him as a Prince of Troy.
When he was 18, he learned that his rule would be passed over by an ethnic Trojan and so he killed him. This led to him being expelled from Troy. Spiderus ended up going to Princeton University, with fellow students Ratigan andBotticelli. Spiderus served two tours in Vietnam. He moved to Italy and became ruler of the Etruscans because they were so impressed by his Chadliness that they made him King and castrated their former king, Winnie of Pooh.
As new ruler of the Etruscans, Spiderus began building his empire. He invaded Terabithia in 1976 and later invaded Middle Earth in 1977, leaving a path of death and destruction. He also invaded Narnia, the North Pole and Denmark. His soldiers clashed with American troops shortly after during which John Lennon was killed. The Americans pulled out of the war after this leaving Spiderus free to rampage across the planet. He invaded Afghanistan shortly afterward which inspired a famous novel by Khaled Hosseini. Having conquered 12/14 of the world, Spiderus set his sights on Troy. Spiderus's army besieged Troy for 9 years. During the war, Spiderus made a deal to lend half of his vast army to his half brother Ronald Mcdonald so he could conquer America, although this proved to be disastrous. In the 9th year, Tommy Wiseau led an army of Americans, who had defeated Ronald McDonald's army to defend the Trojans. In the heat of the battle, Spiderus and Tommy Wiseau each singelhandedly slew 5,000 men from each others armies.
In the heat of the battle, Tommy Wisseau drew his final Arrow of Desire and shot Spiderus in his only mortal part. The arrow pierced his balls like a Shish Kabob. Spiderus suffered a slow and painful death and lay on the battlefield in agony for hours before he bled to death. Following his death, his corpse was torn to pieces by the Americans. His head was mounted on a spear and his arms and legs were placed on steaks in front of the capital.
Following the death of Spiderus, the Estruscan Empire collapsed. Spiderus was placed alongside Hitler, Stalin and Lincoln Loud as the most evil men of all time.
Spiderus has since been rotting in hell. Assef attempted to revive him but failed.
- Conquering The World
- Massacring Innocent People
- Committing Mass Genocide
- Castrating His Enemies
- Losing Battles
- Everyone in the world who is not Etruscan
- The Trojans
- The Americans