"If you need instructions on how to get through the hotels, check out the Enclosed Instruction Book!"
– Fat Mario
The Enclosed Instruction Book is an ancient manuscript of the Order of the Hotels. Dating back to roughly the 14th century, it is said to contain a pool of advanced knowledge not known to mankind. Only one person is aware of its existence: Mario.
Discovery and Distribution
For as long as anyone can remember, the Enclosed Instruction Book had been kept safely in the deepest reaches of the Vatican archives; It was during Dr. Robotnik's brief time as the pope that the book finally saw the light of day once more. At Mario and Luigi's request, Robotnik ordered Scratch and Grounder to retrieve it for the handsome reward that the Italian brothers offered.
Due the Instruction Book's age, it has become extremely brittle, causing the clumsy robots to lose a few pages along the way. With Robotnik and the brothers none the wiser, Coconuts was able to steal whatever fell to the floor and sell it on the black market.
Today, only the Hotel Manager of the Order of the Hotels is allowed to read the Enclosed Instruction Book. Even then, it is said that it's contents drove the former Hotel Manager to madness and (possibly) gave him AIDS. However, King Harkinian plans to read it.
Nobody except the Hotel Manager knows what the book really contains, other than a Hotel Mario walkthrough, that is. Mario and Luigi only trusted you to view it and mentioned it to nobody else. It's possible that the book is cursed, and those who read it will be forced to star in bad video games and relive their shame forever, thus why the Bros. would never allow it to fall into anyone's hands. According to its size, it is roughly 115 pages long. So far, it's been confirmed that the book contains this info:
- Navigational directions that can lead one safely through The Seven Koopa Hotels, including construction plans for an eighth hotel that was never built. (Likely Iggy's)
- The recipe for the tomato sauce that makes Princess Peach's Spaghetti, the Krabby Patty, Nasty Patty, etc. so addictive.
- Vague forecasts of the future; intensifying wars, the rise and fall of nations, and the end of the world.
- Long Term Memory Retrieval.
- The secret to successful cloning. (purchased by Squidward Tentacles)
- Secrets of how to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out.
- Ganon's horribly embarrassing secrets.
- 76 misspelled words.
- How to travel across dimensions.
- The lyrics of Never Gonna Give You Up.
- How to get to Sesame Street.
- How to avoid getting a headache from any cancerous online community.
Threats to the Book
Unsurprisingly, the world was set ablaze with greed when word got out that there was a book out there that kept untold amounts of old secrets. There are many evil forces out there seeking to claim the Instruction Book and use its powers for their own selfish gain. While most world leaders try their hand with lucrative offers, there are also many tyrants who have gone as far as waging war over the priceless artifact. So far, the known threats are as follows:
- Every day, he relentlessly comes after the book to sell all the pages for ridiculously high prices.
- Works for Morshu. That makes him a threat.
- He once tried to use the book to bribe Link into joining him with the promise of letting him read the book.
- He has been trying to destroy the book ever since the events of Hotel Mario so the Mario Bros. would lose all the cheat codes and never be able to stop Bowser ever again.
- You may have abused the Mario Bros.' trust by leaking information about the book's content.
- Not Stu
- He almost destroyed the book in the process of using it to convince everyone that he's not Stu.
- Fred Figglehorn
- He isn't a fan of the book because he's a faggot.
- Adolf Hitler
- He created an evil version of the book, titled Mein Kampf, to force an entire frigging country to do everything he said. He may have some relation with the Instruction Book itself.
- He is convinced the book's powers can help him obtain the secret chemical formula known as the "Secret Formula".
- Donald Trump
- The book has the ability to create a great wall to keep the Mexicans out.
- Queen Elsa
- She never cares what the readers of the book are going to say.
- Bob the Tomato
- He tried to turn the book into a treasury storybook that contains all the VeggieTales episodes.
- The Nazi Cheeseburger
- If he gets the book, no one will ever live again, even gods! (He is so evil, he doesn't even have his page!)
- Serena D'ohmez
- Hates Selena Gomez. That makes her a threat.
Friends of the Book
Thankfully, the Mario Bros. were able to find a few people they could actually trust with the damn thing. So far, the known friends are as follows:
- Stu Pickles
- He hates Not Stu.
- He likes helping Stu Pickles.
- King Harkinian
- He is helping to guard the book so he can find Duke Onkled and punish him (most likely by making him scrub all the floors as this is what Harkinian does to everybody).
- Seeing as you've helped the Mario Bros. hundreds of times before, you are the most trusted person among the book protectors.
- Mr. Krabs
- He wants to learn how to get past the first level (at which he failed 1,000,297,001 times) and beat Plankton in the Cum Bucket once and for all.
- Selena Gomez
- She instructs readers of the book to kill threats with kindness.
Naturally, there many interesting rumors that float around the internet regarding what this elusive treasure contains. Aside from claims that the book is bogus/doesn't exist, here are some notable guesses.